RAMBLINGS OF A RACONTEUR

DRAPEAU COULD HAVE DIED LAUGHING

On Aug. 12, 1999, John Bitove, head of the Toronto Olympic Bid Corporation, announced that should Toronto win the 2008 bid, the city would net a cool $900-million. Ironically, former Montreal Mayor Jean Drapeau died the same day. Drapeau's most famous statement was that the 1976 Summer Olympics--which ultimately ran up a $2-billion debt--could no more lose money than a man could have a baby. Drapeau's family refused to make the cause of the 83 year old's passing, public. Could it be that he heard Bitove's announcement and died laughing?

NOTHING RINKY-DINK HERE

All of you who telephone or write to complain about your local councillors, now hear this: "This is not some rinky-dink council that just deals with potholes and stop signs. This council deals with many of the fundamental social issues that face this city." So says deputy mayor (the real thing and not the flavour of the month kind) Coun. Case Ootes (East York). Responding to Coun. Doug Holyday (Markland-Centennial), who wants Municipal Affairs Minster Steve Gilchrist to reduce city council by 25 members, the DM added "this city council, unlike most local councils, deals with not only garbage collection and fire protection, but homes for aged, welfare, transit, policing." Taking out the garbage and fixing up potholes, Case, is not only what municipal councillors are elected to do, but less expensive than what you get when local councillors are allowed to tinker with the "fundamental social issues that face this city."

DRIVING HER BREIFCASE TO THE OFFICE

"Natural" pesticides are hot. "Chemical" pesticides are not. According to TFP resident horticultural consultant Wesley Porter, The Toronto Department of Works distributes literature recommending home-made preparations for gardens. The local works department could be preaching to the converted where former councillor, now MPP Marilyn Churley is concerned. Wags remember seeing a compost heap in Marilyn’s Queen's Park office. The compost heap was eclipsed in the news when she was one day spied cycling to the office. Pedalling along on her bicylce, Marilyn was followed closely by a limousine, driver of which had been carrying no passengers but only the MPP's briefcase and files.

PAPER SHREDDING PARK PROTESTORS

During the recent occupation of Allan Gardens, Ontario Coalition Against Poverty (OCAP) head, John Clarke reiterated that his group would not leave the park--even if the army were brought in. Why Clarke repeatedly referred to the army and not the police is an unknown. It could be that OCAP’s rebel rouser was simply taking a shot at Mayor Melvin, who called for troops when it snowed last winter. Or perhaps Clarke prefers the army. Toronto Free Press suspects that maybe the protesters had PCBs to be used against the Canadian military. The mere mention of a toxin would be enough to cause the troops to flee westward towards Bay Street on a search-and-find-a-lawyer-to-sue-mission. On the other hand, had the army come in with their weapon of choice, Toronto's litter problem would have increased as Clarke and his cohorts would have been run through paper shredders.

LAST CALL

During late August, it was the same summer lament. The CNE opened and Toronto's water was smelly. Each year when this happens, the city's waterlogged bureaucrats take to the media with the same message: "the water is safe, the water is safe." Local politicians and bureaucrats, whose primary function in life seems to be finding more and more things that can kill you, do not have a problem with the musty smelling water. We don't want to see these bureaucrats on television going on and on about the fitness of the algae ridden water; we want to see them drink it.