RAMBLINGS OF A RACONTEUR

TRY USING YOUR NOGGIN, LORENZO

City politicians waxed emotional in the narrow vote legalizing so-called "granny suites" or basement apartments in those areas of the city where they are currently illegal or restricted. Given the lack of affordable housing and homelessness, the 27-24 council vote was surprising. Dissenting councillors were concerned that their constituents would be upset if their neighbourhoods ceased being restricted to single family dwellings. Councillor Lorenzo Berardinetti, who voted against granny suites explained "my heart was telling me to vote yes, but my political instincts said no." Truer words were never spoken--at least by a politician. To hell with what is right--the main concern was how do I keep my plum job. Perhaps Coun. Berardinetti and others like him should stop using their hearts and their instincts and try using their heads.

THE LITTERBUG WALKS AND TALKS

T.O.'s litter problem is creating late-summer headaches. The powers that be are getting downright creative in coming up with reasons for the mysterious increase of garbage-laden local streets. They blame:

• popular people events such as Caribana and jazz festivals;

• Mac Attacks and other lures from fast food chains;

• increasing population;

• cutbacks to city workers;

• not enough garbage bins;

• the wrong kind of garbage bins (whatever that means);

• no-return pop bottles.

Yet when John and Josephine Q. Public are interviewed, they come up with a different reason: a lot of people are pigs who don't care where they dispose of their garbage. At the risk of sounding like the U.S. National Rifle Association, Caribana and cutbacks don't cause litter--people do.

THE MAYOR AND THE POVERTY PIMP

During the early stages of the occupation of Allen Gardens by the Ontario Coalition Against Poverty (OCAP), union brass and workers, Mohawk Indians and a couple of homeless people, Mayor Mel Lastman accused OCAP head, John Clarke of seeking publicity, presumably by his screaming about the plight of the homeless and making his "we shall not be moved without a fight" threats. This is the same Mayor Mel who threatens reporters (albeit, a CBC one) and who yelled and screamed at Federal Labour MinisterClaudette Bradshaw, calling her a "bingo Mom", whatever that is, when she didn't fork over federal funds to help Toronto's homeless. Other than ideological differences, Mel Lastman and John Clarke seem to have more in common than they think.

SAWBONES WITH HUMOUR

Dr. Frank Loritz, star of 'Professional Agitator Agony' fame on July's Toronto Free Press cover story, seems to be one sawbones with a sardonic sense of humour. A busy MD practice from two locations does not keep Loritz away from Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario (AGCO) hearings probing the liquor licences of Beach area bar and restaurant owners. With professional offices at the Kings Medical Centre and at the Beach Wellness Centre, one would think the doctor's business cards would identify him as a sawbones specializing in sports injuries. Cards being passed around in the same bars and restaurants he testifies against down at the AGCO identify him as "Frank Loritz, Professional Agitator".

LAST CALL

..."I almost swallowed my donut whole," chortled the police officer calling TFP from his downtown donut shop coffee break. The officer got a kick out of our front page picture of Budget Chief Tom Jakobek's 1998 Porsche Boxster convertible. It wasn't the Porsche licence plate, there for the police world to see, that tickled the officer's funnybone, but the helicopter rotor superimposed on the porsche. The sometimes graphic budget chief calls the proposed police helicopter patrol an "expensive toy".