Security & Fraud

My favourite candidates for the guillotine

We all live a fast paced life these days and sometimes you just have to slow down a little and take the time to catalogue the things that really tick you off. Here's a truckload of my personal favourites.

You're driving down the road and some guy is nosing out to make a right hand turn, continuing in the same direction as you. You're close and you don't expect him to go since you have the right of way. But he does anyway. You jam on the brakes and let the guy in, at which point he slows right down in front of you and continues on as though his most pressing appointment is lunch next week.

• Voice mail, the scourge of the '90s. Can't stand it, can't avoid it. It's really been an effective tool for communication. With voice mail, you can effectively ignore people for weeks at time. Eventually, the person will get the message that you don't want to talk to him and bugger off. You don't even have to be rude, unless you consider wasting anyone's time other than your own rude.

• The inevitable telephone call you will get from your cousin in Edmonton when our Clown Prince Mayor Mel calls in the army to shovel snow. These folks in Alberta have no sympathy for what we have to put up with. Let them take Mel for a year, see if they don't get tired of looking at his ugly mug and listening to his simple-minded solutions. Hey, let's have a party, there's a $1-million we haven't blown yet!

• Then there is Mel, and a boatload of other politicians that think the solution to violent crime is to make the place "gun free". Well I guess it worked when the previous city hall types made the Toronto a nuclear free zone. I can't remember the last time an atom bomb went off here. I just hope Mel can appeal to the violent criminal's civic duty and get them to turn in their Uzis and Kalashnikovs.

• Banks. Well this has got to be the mother lode. Hmmm, where to start? Well they have effectively automated most of their personal service, thrown thousands of people out of work, and now that their customers are doing the work for them, they have convinced us all to pay them for the pleasure of doing it. Paul Martin must have reviewed his own bank charges before making his decision against mergers.

• How about "Loans Managers" that have absolutely no authority to authorize a loan unless it's for your RRSP or you happen to be a South American country on the verge of bankruptcy. I especially like the way they promote the guys responsible for their largest loan losses. I guess it keeps the shareholders confused.

• Junk e-mail. Not that I don't want to make $5-10K a week sitting at home on my ass, but after I have to read 30 or so of these spam ads, I'm too tired to motivate myself.

• Politicians who abdicate their responsibilities. Now look, I'm a fan of Northern Mike, but he forced amalgamation on Toronto, telling us all about the great savings that would follow. I admit, I fell for it. I thought it was a reasonable plan. But Northern Mike failed to mention that the mega-merger was just a fig leaf for downloading provincial services unto the hapless new city. Where are the savings? Once it was all said and done, where are the for sale signs on former city halls? Yes, some staff were laid off when departments amalgamated but as far as I'm concerned there are still too many bureaucrats with their snout in the public trough.

• How about eliminating Toronto's vehicle fleet? Now there's a money saver! Maybe Mike and company ought to take some steps to ensure the savings they promised from this fiasco actually happen.

• Screaming babies on planes, especially now that you can't blow smoke at them.

• Judges who think they are just politicians who have avoided the inconvenience of elections.

• Politicians, who once elected, let the judges do their work.

• Lawyers, on principle. (I felt obligated to include them even though there are quite a few I like)

• People who play irritating songs as the ring on their cell phone.

• People who are late for meetings, especially if they are way more important than I am.

• Anyone who doesn't appreciate The Three Stooges.

• Entire cultural groups who have not recognized that learning to drive well is a priority in this city.

• Squeegee people, unless they voluntarily file an honest tax return.

Bill Joynt is a well-known private investigator with The Investigator's Group in Toronto. He can be contacted at 416-955-9450 or by e-mail at billj@investigators-group.com.