by arthur Weinreb, associate Editor,
November 9, 2004
In the weeks, months and probably years to come, pundits and academics will be discussing how the greatest war hero that ever lived got 3.5 million less votes than the most despised man that ever lived. Despite all of the talk about moral values, Iraq, terrorism and the economy, the recent presidential election came down to just one thing--beer.
allan Gotlieb, who served as Canada’s ambassador to the United States during the 1980s opined that the Democrats have to stop selecting privileged Massachusetts intellectuals as presidential candidates. Said Gotlieb: “I’ve always said that the very important quality in U.S. politicians is a figure of likeability--who do you want to have a beer with?”
although Gotlieb’s description of John Kerry as an “intellectual” is certainly debatable, there may be something to the former ambassador’s theory of the beer factor. although George W. Bush gave up drinking years ago, if his reputation as a party frat boy has even a little truth to it, he would be fun to go out and have a beer with. John Kerry probably doesn’t even drink beer; he’s more of a Dom Perignon kind of guy. and even if Kerry did drink beer, he wouldn’t drink beer with you. Unless of course “you” happened to be a semi-attractive widow whose husband left you at least a hundred million more than John Heinz left Teresa.
Now al Gore on the other hand would probably go out for a beer. and he would probably go drinking with you. But using Gotlieb’s theory of winning elections, you wouldn’t like it. anyone who would go drinking with al Gore would be subjected to a lengthy lecture, given in Gore’s famous monotone voice, about the history of beer including where al was and what he was doing when he invented it. Florida, Shmorida--Bush was the clear winner in 2000.
When it comes to drinking beer and having a good time, Bill Clinton is a no-brainer. Bill’s a fun guy and not only would he go drinking with you; you would get to drink in strip bars. and now that Bill’s raking in the big bucks, he’ll have plenty of cash to make it a truly memorable experience.
although Clinton’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky didn’t surface until the middle of his second term, Clinton had a reputation of being a serial adulterer. Only the “beer factor” can explain the fact that morals that played such an important part in this year’s election but didn’t matter a whit in 1992 or ’96.
George Herbert Walker Bush’s “vision thing” didn’t include going out, drinking beer and having a good time, which explains why he was no match for Bubba in ’92. But Bush senior is a regular party animal compared to Michael Dukakis. They called him “the Duke”, but he was really just a little “kakis”.
Now Jimmy Carter first appeared to be a fun guy, especially compared to Gerald Ford. You wouldn’t have wanted to go drinking with Gerry--he would have most likely shattered his glass and accidentally killed someone. But when Carter ran for his second term, it was obvious he wasn’t going to go drinking with you unless your name was Saddam or Fidel. Besides, who wouldn’t rather go out and have a few beers with Ronald Reagan? How could you not like sitting around and drinking with a guy who said that hard work never killed anyone but why take the chance?
Like every other rule there are exceptions and the exception to Gotlieb’s law was Richard Nixon. Nixon would have been no fun at all. He would have just gone on, boring everyone by talking about himself in the third person, Dick would have been as exciting as al Gore, but at least when talking about the presidency, Nixon wouldn’t have claimed to have invented it. So the Gotlieb system is not perfect but it’s a lot more reliable than that of pollsters and the mainstream media.
It will only be a matter of time before Hillary Clinton, that long time New York Yankees fan, begins to talk about her beer-drinking exploits. Be prepared.
The “who would you like to have a beer with” theory of winning elections does not apply in Canada. In fact, Canadian alcoholics could be scared sober if they were locked in a room and forced to drink beer with Paul Martin, Stephen Harper and Jack Layton. On the other hand, Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe is different. He has a good sense of humour and would be a lot of fun to have a few drinks with. Perhaps he should seriously think about moving to the United States and running for president.
Or maybe Duceppe could start thinking about starting his own country.