It has been reported, in the back channels between the kitchen and the larder, that it all began with a problem in translation for al Gore and his loyal staff in the high end hotel in Jeddah, Saudi arabia, what with all the varsity wait staff and room service folks out of town participating in the ongoing cartoon rampage in neighboring Syria, Lebanon and Jordan.
You must understand that the talkative and highly emotive al requires a lot of extremely pure water to keep the little grey brain cells clicking along at high efficiency, to keep the levels of oxidants and toxins at an extremely low level and to maintain his delicate chemical balance. Ty Nant, acqua Panna and Voss, or waters of a similar type and exclusive price, have to be piped into him on a regular and ongoing basis to maintain the critical homeostasis necessary for his superior thought processes.
But with the key hotel grips and gaffers out of town committing acts of arson and other assorted deeds of utter depravity in the names of Daffy, Unca Donald, and allah, things began to slip dangerously while al was writing his dangerous version of reality in preparation for his big number at the Jeddah Economic Forum last Sunday.
Somehow the staff's pointed request for upscale dihydrogen monoxide was mistranslated into something resembling a request for water to be drawn from a well near the dreaded alkali beds adjacent to the camel graveyard near the old sand spit across from the long abandoned British motor pool. While the old shed has been demolished for some time and the spilled oil has been cleaned up for quite awhile, still local fears remain that the area may at last be ready for a designation as a King Fahd super fund site and the noxious liquids and assorted vapors may have leaked into the already troublesome well. a well, the locals say, which the surviving camels are still said to steer clear of.
So the later, questionable, water, in a large beautiful hand carved Waterford crystal pitcher with plenty of ice, was delivered to the former Vice President's spacious, gilded, and some say gaudy, suite with a set of matching lead crystal goblets, all set upon a white linen cloth, spun through with threads of pure gold, resting on a silver salver. For al such service is simply de rigueur, and for the staff it all appeared okay.
as he drank copiously from the enormous pitcher in the accompanying goblet, al got down to the business of writing. and as he thought he began to ruminate on the high crimes of the Bush administration, what he might say before the assembled multitude of the rich and famous, in front of the planet's leading media, and as he did so things began to swim into focus in his mind's eye.
Somehow, as he slogged down more of the tangy water and thought, he realized that he had to tie Dick Cheney, oil, the vast right-wing conspiracy, Bush's National Guard service, Vince Foster, the engineered theft of his own election by powers far beyond the mere Democratic registration of the dead and felons and the homeless and illegal aliens, the enormous Republican engendered famine in the mid-West, the growing number of serial murders directed from the White House by Laura Bush, the mastery of the weather by the White House to destroy Democratically controlled areas of the country, the industrial sabotage operating at Ford and General Motors from the various right-deviationist centers, the growing need to expose that hep-cat Brit Hume for what he really is, the alleged treason of Donald Rumsfeld and his direct links to the intelligence services of Israel and Great Mitten, the terrible abuses the US has inflicted on the arabs after 9/11 and the thoughtless US visa policies, together, in a nice neat package for the world to see.
Oh my, he felt, his thoughts were racing, and ever more clearly. So fast, in fact, that he called to a staff member for more pens and for more of that delicious, though somewhat bitter and slightly pungent, water. The crimes of the Bush administration seemed palpable as he stared through the water glass, admiring the warm light as it was refracted into many colors through the ice, water and crystal.
after a few hours of furious writing he finished and began to read his perfect indictment to his assembled assistants. and as he read his thoughts poured out in a furious rain of imputations against the criminal enterprise operating from the house he would surely occupy once the entire world heard this keen and factual polemic.
ah, al, you'd better hold on a minute here, members of his cadre cautioned him, growing somewhat alarmed at his wilder attributions and insinuations. Sure we agree with you, but this is an economic summit, not the Nuremberg trials and we don't have a jury handy. and as they tried to rein in the highly charged internet inventor and love story model, one especially zealous staffer leaned over and smelled the water and wondered aloud about the room service waiter, the nervous bus boy and the quizzical looks they exchanged concerning the water request. Think about the water. You didn't see a bottle - a shiny clear or sky blue funny shaped bottle anywhere.
The manager was quickly summoned with bottled water of a higher class and an utter catastrophe of a televised type was narrowly averted by the process of additional hydration, the administration of pure oxygen and the laying cool damp cloths upon the rather heated head of the exercised former Vice President. The small amount of water remaining in the pitcher was discarded and the staffers watched with amazement as the marble in the sink became quickly discolored from the deleterious effects to its surface.
Finally, when Mr. Gore returned to a more sedate state and was more amenable to change, decisions were made to shorten his speech, to delete the wilder, more accusatory and less provable topics and to limit the bill of attainder to merely a prosecution of the unseemly tactics Mr. Gore has visualized, or at least has pretty sure he's heard of or to those he has been told of by someone somewhere, concerning the massive collusion and cover-up involved in the visa and racial profiling end of things in the Bush administration concerning the arab population, legal or illegal.
Still and all, as al Gore ascended the podium and began his high decibel denunciation of the Bush administration for their nefarious and horrific activities and their “terrible abuses” of arabs following the 9/11 attacks, explaining that arabs were “indiscriminately rounded up,” “held in conditions that were just unforgivable,” and later, while derogating the “thoughtless” US visa policies, he was still seen drinking large amounts of water. His face appeared somewhat flushed and he was decidedly diaphoretic. all evidence, so we are told, of the excessive intake of tainted water.
In foreign countries, when drinking the water, the proper translation is critical and highly recommended.
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