By John Burtis
Thursday, September 7, 2006
Fast on the heels of the announcement of the immense new oil field found in the Gulf of Mexico, and smarting from the fall-out from a number of other problems dogging their cats, the Democratic Party has announced their own discovery of an enormous new wellspring of malevolence.
This new field, according to their spokesmen, will be coming on line just in time for the mid-term elections. It is said to possess the raw motive power to drag the poor, minorities, security moms, the overtly religious and Katie Couric's newly found audience, as no other Democratic plank in their recently hatched framework for their seizure of power can, directly into the few remaining operable voting booths in the poorly staffed Democratic precincts.
The last few days have witnessed a sudden shock to the easy Democratic march to the counting of the votes. according to the atonal blaring of the talking heads on the televised news, the syrupy editorials found in such paragons of honesty as the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the La Times, the gagged up bleating of such liberal notables as David Gregory and Chris Matthews, the obsequious fawning found in the pronouncements issuing from Eleanor Clift, and the baleful blather spewing from itinerant pitchmen like Bob Beckel, the Democratic Party was all set to march through Washington D.C. like those photos of the Grossdeutschland Regiment marching under the arc de Triumph in Paris circa 1940. Save for the flags, of course.
But it may no longer be quite so easy. The Republicans, thanks to a few Democratic gaffes and some surprising Republican strength, may no longer be the pushovers so easily envisioned just a few scant hours ago.
First, the whole mountain of frauds, sheet pullings, and manufactured innuendoes in the Valerie Plame case were finally laid to rest, when the idiocy of the entire affair was shown to be nothing more than a sheer political witch hunt, motivated by a base prevaricator, abetted the bandicoots in the press, and carried out by a prosecutor who knew all along that the whole thing was a humbug.
and the Democrats were suddenly forced to "put the whole thing behind them," with the complete denouement of this three-year assault on the Presidency, replete with mea culpas being issued from the very newspapers who had egged the likes of a calumniating Chuck Schumer along.
Still reeling from the collapse of this last and greatest attack of all time on President Bush, last Sunday Rick Santorum, awakening from what was earlier called a Democratic statewide cake walk of incredible proportions, trounced Bob "Huckabuck" Casey unmercifully in a debate on Tim Russert's Meet the Press.
Mr. Casey showed himself to be out of touch, snide, confused, listless, haughty, capable of little more than a nattering of stock Democratic talking points, while Mr. Santorum, supremely confident and on top of his facts, ripped him to shreds. Sadly for an obviously debilitated Mr. Casey, this whole shabby affair came at the same time that Pennsylvania voters began to tune in. The race now lies close to the margin of error.
Then, the great late summer offensive on Donald Rumsfeld's position began to falter, while under the brilliant generalship of such notable field commanders as Joltin' Joe Biden of Delaware.
Senator Biden explained - on television before millions of eager listeners, while wearing a pair of chrome plated, ivory handled matching Colt .45 revolvers, in words which have been re-broadcast over the EIB Network, thanks to the all-hearing and all-seeing Maha-Rushie - that Mr. Rumsfeld could be replaced by "anyone," even that "armitage," showing his true brilliance again, and that of his party. after all, as the Democratic wags are quick to point out, anybody could replace Mr. Rumsfeld because there is no war.
Further embarrassment followed quickly on the heels of the previous attack with the hastily cobbled together Feinstein-Leahy act, which would declare users of american made cluster bombs "bums" and "ne'er-do-wells" for using these highly effective weapons against death dealing terrorists, Islamists, fascists, communists, international drug cartels, and mad scientists who possess WMD's and threaten the total and complete destruction of the allied country in question. Special penalties were inserted to rein in Israel, to tie their hands, and to insure the hobbling of their efforts at survival in a sea of countries inimical to their continued existence. This idiocy is not lost on the populace.
and then, just when things were looking especially grim, President Bush launched his own torpedoes at the faltering Democratic ship of state on Wednesday afternoon in a speech aimed at putting Congress on the spot by demanding that every member go on record by voting on his new legislation, designed to handle the imbecilic Supreme Court mandates on the future treatment of the Gitmo prisoners.
Whoa boy, and just when the rug began to slide ever faster under them, every Tom, Dick Turban, and Russ among them would have to endure another day at the polls, one more debate, and another inopportune loyalty test.
Why, oh, why, the Democrats asked themselves, won't the Republicans just die, go away, or give up?
But then, in the midst of this horrible series of detestable events, Harry Reid received word that the huge underground pool of hatred had been located and that their worries seemed to be over -- and just in time for the November elections.
"Eureka," Harry Reid cried, so loudly that his staff put down their Palm Pilots, placed their Sudoku pads back in their desks, and ran to his side.
Yep, a large new underground pool of execration had been located in the blue states and will be piped into the Democratic Congressional races just in time to sway the electorate.
Substance won't matter a bit when it all comes down to the wire, as the Democrats will resort to their favorite weapons -- hate, spite, total fabrications, and animosity- and all that money can buy. and this time it must work.
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