By John Burtis
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Funny, now that we learn that Iran has given the finger to the UN and is installing the latest in surface to air missiles to protect their burgeoning nuclear plants, that Hezbollah is refulgent, that Gaza is throwing more off kilter missiles at Israel than Ryne Duren threw out of control fast balls at Yogi Berra, and that Jimmy Carter has blamed the United States for every ill except athlete's foot and mastitis, the Democrats are beginning to flesh out their plans for the exponential number of investigations designed to cripple our military response, and render us more vulnerable to attack.
Living up to their reputations and knowing that a stitch in time saves nine, the new Democrats are hard at work showing us that using a steamroller to flatten the workings of our national defense is far preferable, in a world populated with a growing number of thermo-nuclear armed serial killers, than calling for an open appraisal of our adversaries.
Pads, pencils and shiny new laptops are arriving by the metric ton at the offices of Henry Waxman, Pat Leahy, and Carl Levin, as they ramp up their growing staffs for the coming Nuremburg trials and the tribulations of Job they plan to visit on the rapidly waning Bush family and collection of friends.
Waxman, noted for his attention to the finest detail, will dig into every identifiable element of government that he has cast an eye to in the past five years of the Bush regime, including those offices listed in Matthew Lesko's runaway best seller, "Get Free Government Money.” Many of those listed in the beefy tome provided the initial cash for Bill Clinton's self-defense fund and for sustaining air america for as long as it floated above ground.
Henry, a mustachioed devotee of the methods and motives of the Spanish Inquisition, has been reading up on his childhood hero, the young Torquemada, for the upcoming show trials which he'll preside over. Members of his team are said to find him attired in floor length robes, wearing a peaked hood, sharpening an endless supply of #2 pencils, while humming Sousa marches, as his faithful mimeograph machine cranks out subpoena blanks.
Pat "Leaky” Leahy, fresh from his many comprehensive tips to the fading progressive newspapers on the inner workings of american intelligence for the sake of our sworn enemies, plans to expose every element of the current administration's secret war against domestic and world wide terror under the guise of the terrorists' right to know. as Pat often says, they have a right to know everything we're up to, doing his own small bit to further Rodney King's dream.
We, on the other hand, as Pat fondly tells his staff, have no business involving ourselves in what the terror mongers are up to since they are merely trying to kill us, destroy our society, and erase capitalism from North america and the globe – laudable new Democratic goals as well, hence the open door policy. a proud platform, Pat points out, that Keith Ellison successfully ran on.
Carl Levin, arch duke of the armed Services Committee, sharif of the newly reconstituted senate, who looks so good in a striped suit despite the growing liberal paunch, and a favorite of Nancy Pelosi's, is preparing to further humiliate the Pentagon by dragging the reasons for the Iraq war through his office, across the front pages, around Robin Hood's barn, and through the woods to grandmother's house one more time. This will be done just in case some miniscule iota of information was missed during the other previous and minute examinations undertaken with the left-wing electron microscopes, the New York Times, and Joe Wilson's addled memory.
and John Kerry, at the bottom in popularity in the most recent poll, will have little or nothing to do in the Schumer controlled Senate. But top men are discussing how best to use this hulking thick headed liberal scion to their best advantage. Most suggest keeping him close by in case a Polonium 210 cocktail appears on the salvor and ordering him toss it back so they can gauge the immediate results, to see if they hamper the baleful repartee routinely attributed to this monotonic jokester.
as our enemies grow stronger, as their nuclear programs gain speed and clarity, as their new defensive weapon systems reach operational readiness, you can count on our new congressional leadership - awash in revenge, digging for the Philosopher's Stone of impeachment, investigating every past and present scandal, just living to pack the court with feel good hucksters – to get lost in fighting the feuds at home.
While the new Democrats bury us with investigations, our global enemies will reap the benefits of their internecine witch hunts.
and we'll all be treated to the wages of a fickle Hecate, who will stir the boiling pot of nuclear terror, regardless of the new Democrats and their zest for skulduggery, their care for the lives of the enemy, and their view of President Bush as the terror mastermind.
Oh, it'll be quite a wild couple of years, headlines, close-ups of the new Democratic leadership, endless card games and all.
If we survive as a nation, that is, and dodge the Islamist armageddon headed our way COD, thanks to the coy and ever so understanding new Democratic outreach.
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