Atlantic & East Coast Report

Why are Newfoundlanders so dumb?

It's long been said by people in Newfoundland and Labrador that, "everyone else thinks they know better than we how things should be done." "Outsiders" have given us reams and reams of unsolicited advice for decades, since long before joining Confederation in fact. There have always been plenty of government officials, business interests and even advocates for everything from save the seals to protect the wild bologna that love nothing more than telling us how to live. It's almost a way of life for many of them.

Maybe they're right. Maybe we've been wrong all along. Maybe, just maybe we are, as many believe, an obstinate, stupid and uneducated bunch of barbarians who simply don't know how to do anything for ourselves. Maybe we do indeed need to be taken by the hand and given a clear direction. I know what you're thinking, we've survived here as a transplanted European culture for longer than any other in the Americas, but hell that could have been just the result of dumb luck as much as anything else, right?

I think it's high time we started listening to those superior intellects in other parts of Canada and the world. It's time we realized that we're not capable of managing our own future and it's time we followed their caring guidance. I feel sure that if we do this our collective future will be a far different one than anything we could possibly attain if left to our own accord.

The first thing we should do is give back all the royalties we earn from our offshore oil industry. The so called national news services based in places like Ontario seem to think the money is nothing more than a hand out anyway so let's listen to their point of view and simply give it all back. What do we need a few billion dollars for anyway?

The next thing we'll do is stop complaining about the lack of fish quotas for our local plants. We've been a thorn in the side of Canada's foreign affairs office for decades with our stubbornness over that issue. How can we possibly expect our federal officials to continue brokering backroom deals with places like Iceland and Denmark if we continue to make a fuss about not having enough fish to supply our local industry? It's really a miracle those wonderful people managed as well as they have over the years what with our meddling causing so many problems for them.

Another big issue we need to address is the seal hunt. We should just stop the seal hunt and move on immediately. Yes, we all know seals aren't really an endangered species and that they eat tons of fish (without any concern over the fact that some of those fish ARE becoming endangered), but none of that matters. Yes, the industry provides work for fishers and furriers alike, but that doesn't matter either. The only thing that really matters is that the hunt upsets the finer sensibilities of restauranteurs and latte sippers alike in places like New York and Sydney, Australia so let's give it up folks.

Of course once we start listening to the advice of our betters we can't stop with a few token acts, no not by a long shot. Our next move should be to give Hydro Quebec and the Ontario government full and free access to develop the Lower Churchill. We also need to stop bugging the oil companies for a bigger slice of the pie in the offshore oil industry. I mean come on, Ontario really needs that source of power, Quebec Hydro wants the electricity for resale and even though the oil companies are making record profits these days they could surely stand to make a little more. What do we want that stuff for anyway?

Our provincial government should go ahead and spend hundreds of millions to build a new generating facility on the Exploits River so they can hand complete control of it over to Abitibi Consolidated free of charge lock, stock and barrel. While we're at it let's also pass all timber rights in the province over to them like they wanted us to do in the first place. What do we want all those silly trees for anyway, and who cares about the salmon in the Exploits?

While we're on the subject of natural resources, it's starting to look more and more like INCO is feeling trapped by the deal we forced them into signing over building a smelter in the province. Forget it INCO, we don't care anymore, go ahead and continue shipping the ore out, we don't really want any secondary processing here anyway. Fill your boots.

Yes indeed, I think if we started taking the advice everyone keeps foisting on us we would indeed have a much different future. Of course, there wouldn't be any jobs here but that doesn't matter, we can always resolve that pesky little problem by having the legislature invoke a sort of mainland draft. Much like a military draft we'll just force our youth to move out of province and work in Ontario factories or Alberta oil fields immediately after graduation. That's if our simple-minded kids can manage to graduate. Those who aren't bright enough for that will simply have to leave as soon as they flunk out or quit. Many people are forced to move away from the province to find work anyway, the only difference is that we need to legislate it. No big deal.

I can see the future now, a vast treeless desert stretching from coast to coast. Nothing but tree stumps and rocks as far as the eye can see. Just think how much easier that would make it for oil and mining companies to explore and exploit at will. Not a tree standing and not a person living, but a paradise for seals and seagulls alike.

What a picture to behold!

I wonder why we never thought of this approach ourselves, just stupid I guess. Why, oh why does it always take someone from the outside to open our eyes and show us the way?