Tissue paper ideas on saving the planet

Dr. Sheryl Crow's Ingenious Plan to "Wipe Out" Global Warming

Satire By John Lillpop

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Who would have imagined that the svelte, beautiful, and musically gifted

Sheryl Crow would be capable of profundity of intellect not witnessed since Albert Einstein passed?

Indeed, who in their right mind would have consulted with the good Dr. Crow in order to find a solution to the global warming crisis that threatens all life forms on earth?

Who would have expected Crow to deliver a plan so revolutionary and visionary that scholars are still trying to sort out the details?

For those who have not yet heard, Dr. Crow rocked the civilized world with her proposal to reverse global warming by limiting the amount of bathroom tissue that one can legally use in any single visit.

Dr. Crow's epiphany resurrects the age-old question: How are brilliant ideas transmitted to mortals?

Why is one person blessed with genius, while another is just a chowder headed liberal relegated to the "back bench" as Speaker of the U.S. House?

A clue may be found in a quick review of Dr. Crow's itinerary last weekend.

Last Saturday night, Crow attended the White House Correspondents' Association dinner in Washington D.C. and meandered over to table 92 so as to share her wit and wisdom with Presidential Adviser Karl Rove.

Perhaps the sight of the portly Rove overwhelmed Crow's senses with images of bathroom tissue, thereby planting the seed of genius that would germinate into a solution for earth's most dangerous and perplexing dilemma?

The problem with that theory: Seeing Mr. Rove up and close would normally prompt one to think in terms of more, not less, tissue!

Still, Dr. Crow's new fame will probably lead to more invites from the local Mensa chapter and less Saturday Night Live guest spots.

Sources close to Dr. Crow have stated, on condition of anonymity, that she intends to up the ante with a new proposal that is sure to cure Al Gore's ED, obesity, and depression overnight.

The solution: Recycle!

That's right. Dr. Crow visited the Pentagon this week and used the military supercomputer for some very important and highly classified calculations.

According to Dr. Crow's math, forcing Americans to recycle bathroom tissue could ultimately eliminate global warming altogether.

Al Gore is reportedly so excited by this proposal that he has started filming the sequel to "An Inconvenient Truth."

Al is going to call the sequel "An Inconvenient Solution," and is said to be working on a new "Tissue Exchange" organization to parallel the powerful success he has enjoyed with carbon exchange fraud.

For her part, Dr. Crow is working directly with Speaker Pelosi to draft legislation for implementation of "The Save the Planet by Preventing Bathroom Tissue Waste and Fraud Act of 2007."

The new act will create a cabinet-level department to implement and monitor compliance with the provisions of the Act throughout America.

Preliminary estimates conclude that the Dr. Crow proposal will cost about $200 billion a year, all of which will made up by bringing American troops home from Iraq by Labor Day, 2007.

Asked to comment on the costs, Speaker Pelosi stated: "It's a win-win for America! Not only do we nail George W. Bush, but we also create scores of thousands of new government jobs and save three or four trees over the next 50 years."

I asked, "but what about global warming, Speaker Pelosi? "

Her reply: "Ask Sheryl Crow about that. She's a genius you know!"

And they call them "progressive"?