She's Gonna Rub Her Belly On His Head

By Jim Whelan, The Joan Randall Agency

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Guess who's back to liven up a very hot and notso newsworthy day?

It' s our old fat friend, the Porkosaurus herself, theone and lonely, Rosie O'Mouth. She's on a cruiseship this time, or maybe it's an aircraft carrier.

Whatever ever sailing vessel it is, I'm sure the entirebalance system is working overtime.

This time Her Lardship is running down her formerco-host, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, questioning hercredentials to be on "The View." According to Rosiethe Rotunder, Ms Hasselbeck has only "Survivor" asa credit on her resume.

Like foul mouthed, morbidly obese, thick as a bricklesbian is a calling card of note.

Just when we thought that she had gone away becausethe price was right, she reappears in the Caribbean, andin between chews of chocolate and cheesefries she saysshe wants to rub her bodacious and bulging belly on TheDonalds head.

Trump reportedly hired a phalanx of new bodyguards,and had nightmares of epic proportions, shuddering atthe mere thought of getting that close to one of the worldsbiggest Pink Floyds.

Here's a suggestion for Rosie.

Go to Africa. Set up a jungle home, and hang upsidedown on the porch. Tell any animal who will listen howdepressed you are, and how screwed up this country is.Get a talk show on a new network over there, and get alittle sunlight. I hear that Vitamin D can be good for you.

Start a musical theatre over there. Bring in Boy George,and hell, bring George Michael too.

Do an up close and personal documentary on hippo's.See if you can get your mouth as far open as they can.Go swimming with them, and see if you can move as wellas they can. Wrestle some crocodiles, grapple with agorilla, run with the wildebeest, and call us in a coupleyears.

From the big saddle,
Jim Whelan