-Satire -
A recently unclassified government report warns against the possibility of violence by “right-wing extremists.” According to unnamed sources close to Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, you are a right wing extremist if you—
Were born in the Deep South
Believe that 9/11 was more serious than Watergate
Wear an American flag in your lapel
Knowingly listen to Rush Limbaugh
Speak and write perfect English, but no Spanish
Own more than two Bibles or one Confederate Flag
Believe that Jesus Christ means eternal life
Support the rule of law and maintenance of law and order
Want America’s borders secured
Believe that Mexico is a foreign nation and Spanish a foreign language
Thank God that the U.S. won both world wars
Oppose affirmative action, abortion, same-sex marriage, and gun control
Believe that fighting higher taxes is more patriotic than paying them
Prefer “Patriot’s Tea” to Obama Kool-aid
Doubt that Islam is really a “Religion of Peace”
Believe that a baby Jew born to a virgin 2009 years ago saved mankind from sin
Send out Christmas cards
Attend a Christian church on occasions other than Christmas and Easter.
Sing the National Anthem with your hand over your heart
Fly Old Glory on Flag Day and Independence Day
Believe that preventing voter fraud is more important than empowering illegal aliens, felons, and the deceased with the vote
Own a gun and ammunition.
Favor the death penalty for brutal killers, but oppose abortion of innocent fetuses
Miss WF Buckley, Ronald Reagan, and Richard Nixon
Have read the Declaration of Independence, Bill of Rights, and U.S. Constitution more than once
Believe that labor unions should be subjected to anti-trust laws.
Have never committed adultery or had gay sex
Drive a car built by an American car company in America
Dispute the belief that the economic meltdown was worth it in order to open home ownership to more people of color
Believe that the U.S. should spend more money on national defense than on foreign aid
Suspect that Nancy Pelosi is dumber than a pound of recycled botox
Mourn the 50 million fetuses that have been slaughtered since the Roe V. Wade ruling
Pay a tithe or make a donation to any organized religion
Are successful and prosperous and flagrantly show it
Have never applied for food stamps or welfare
Read the Wall Street Journal, George Will, Pat Buchanan, and Ann Coulter
Watch FOX News
Dislike Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez and other communist dictators
Know the words to “God Bless America” by heart
Argue that global warming is little more than hot air circulated by liberals for “green” profit
Want the UN out of America and America out of the UN
As it turns out, being a right wing extremist is exactly where most Americans should be, despite Janet Napolitano and the other pinko commies in Washington.
John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal. “Clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are actually considered normal!.
John can be reached at: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
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Views are those of authors and not necessarily those of Canada Free Press. Content is Copyright 2012 the individual authors.
Pursuant to Title 17 U.S.C. 107, other copyrighted work is provided for educational purposes, research, critical comment, or debate without profit or payment. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for your own purposes beyond the 'fair use' exception, you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.
Views are those of authors and not necessarily those of Canada Free Press. Content is Copyright 2012 the individual authors.
