No Matches Nationwide

When I got suckered in by an internet company’s advertisement guaranteeing it matches lonely people with loving soul mates, I learned that what Mark Twain said is true: “There are people who think that honesty is always the best policy. This is a superstition. There are times when the appearance of it is worth six of it.”

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I logged on to the web site, and read this message: “Our search for your perfect mate will succeed only if your answers are totally honest.” Not a problem, I thought. I never lie, except when lying is a virtue, as it is when talking to politicians, with whom you must lie, since they cannot comprehend truth. After answering questions concerning age, race, employment status, religious beliefs, health, hobbies, and so forth, the questions began focusing on my psychological and emotional characteristics. Question: “Are you gentle in dealing with others, or do you tend to speak your mind, regardless of how your words might impact people?” Well, I’d be lying if I described myself as gentle; I’m only gentle with Loretta, my pickup, with whom I’ve had a love affair for twenty years and 360,000 miles. She is the only woman in my life, and unlike other females, never says no. I answered truthfully: “I’m not always gentle in dealing with others.” My daughters say my blunt-spoken nature is my worst fault; I think it’s my chief virtue. Surely, I thought, some lovely lady floating around in cyberspace would appreciate my honesty on this point. Question: “Are you even-tempered, or do you blow your top easily?” Reminding myself that honesty will lead me to my perfect mate, I confessed that I have a sometimes uncontrollable temper, as many of the college students I teach have learned the hard way. Question: “Do you consider your ideology to be liberal, moderate, or conservative?” This question was a no-brainer. I was raised by parents who ingrained in me the honest conviction that no one is entitled to anything he doesn’t earn, and since liberals think everybody is entitled to everything, whether he earns it or not, I’m definitely not a liberal. And I’m certainly no moderate. People who profess to be moderates are hypocrites; straddling the fence provides a cowardly way to side with or oppose whatever issues come along. The honest answer is, I’m a gun-loving, Bible-thumping, deep-South, ultra-conservative. Not once did I stray from the truth in providing answers, and finally my personality profile was complete. Then I answered the last question: “Do you affirm that all information provided is accurate?” I affirmed. A message popped on the screen telling me to click the send button to initiate a search of the company’s database. My excitement mounted as I waited to learn who that perfect companion would be —a loving mate with whom I could share my dotage. Instead I was e-humiliated. Mark Twain was right. My answers should have had the appearance of honesty. A message flashed on the screen: NO MATCHES NATIONWIDE.