[Satire]
If I were a weed, I’d feel so much happier now. All the new eco-friendly laws let me breathe and procreate more easily.
Happy Place
No more good herbicides (nasty things they used before the UN-driven enlightenment), no more effective insecticides (which killed my biting and stingy pollinators), no more fungicides (against them little slimes creeping up on you). In short, the new eco-justified world is a much happier place. I love it.
Time to take over
Perhaps it’s time to take over. We’ve suffered long enough. The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) in the US, the European Commission’s sustainable development strategy, and other progressive organizations are out to help us. Dear brothers and sisters, there is a new world of government-sponsored understanding and co-existence out there. Take advantage of it when and where you can.
When you first want to spread you wings, make sure to test the waters (figuratively speaking). Pretend to appear on the fringes only, barely noticeable. If that works well, then start the real assault at the next occasion. Before they realize what happened, you’ll be home free.
Foreigners
At this time, I would like to officially welcome our friends from far afield. Some of you, brothers and sisters, may have heard of them before. They include such stalwarts as the sea lamprey (Petromyzon marinus), the zebra mussel (Dreissena polymorpha), the bighead carp, and about 250 other newcomers to our great land.
It is a real pleasure to welcome them all. They enrich our environment enormously. But more to the point, these friends, brothers and sisters, are really destructive to some of our adversaries, the native plants and organisms we hate. Altogether, we have become stronger by their presence, as it diverts resources from fighting us.
Just imagine
Just imagine if the progressivists were to lose the next election. We could be in the dumps again. Is that what you, dear brothers and sisters would like to happen? I think not.
Just imagine if EPA were to allow use of such materials as atrazine again. We would be doomed. Please know that any talk along that line has to be stopped dead in the tracks. Absolutely! Do you hear me?
Wishing you a happy environment,
Yours truly,
[Administrator-in-Chief]
