A Stoos Views/Hugh Betcha Exclusive
"No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found.” -- NOAA
In a startling, hard hitting report, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) of the United States government has assured an anxious public that, no, there are no mermaids. Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter, Head of the Environmental News Bureau of the Stoos Views news conglomerate, first broke the story last month after receiving a tip from a source inside the agency who did not wish to be revealed. The source, hereinafter referred to as Deep Throat, told Hugh, the recipient of the MSNBC 2012 Most Respected Reporter award:
“We have studied this issue for years, spent millions searching the oceans with divers, naval vessels, and submersible craft in an effort to once and for all establish that there is no such thing as aquatic humanoids, err, mermaids, as the public would call them."
When asked why the government would spend the time and money on such an undertaking, the source told Betcha that:
“The function of the federal government is to educate the people about important issues of the day, keep them informed and prevent them from harboring false notions about such things as mermaids. It is sad but true that there are folks out there who believe in mermaids and this has become a problem. It has even generated TV shows devoted to finding mermaids in the oceans and proving they exist. There are kiddie cartoons featuring mermaids, full length movies featuring mermaids. This is an important issue which must be addressed. The function of government is to protect people from such misconceptions.”
“His newest book, The Wind and the Spirit (Stories of Faith and Inspiration)” was released in 2011 with all the author’s royalties go to support the Carmelite sisters.”
