Yes. And here's how it could happen--Or, Think: "
Hope & (Sex) Change; 2012!"
I'm Coming Out
While the phrase, "I'm Coming Out!" seems to have a single meaning--that of a closeted gay who finally pierces the pink veil and announces to the world, "I'm here and I'm queer!" But, if one takes a more philosophical approach, there are potentially many kinds of "coming out" which might aid Barack in surprising his sloth-footed foe in their epic presidential contest.
The Free Dictionary defines it this way:
1. A social debut.
2. A revelation or acknowledgment that one is a gay man, a lesbian, or a bisexual.
Barack's Coming Out Potential
A. Barack's Coming Out as a Moderate Democrat
Imagine Barack waking up one day soon, and instead of running out to the basketball court to practice his 100 morning free throws, he decides....to channel his inner Scoop Jackson! Actually, this one could solve all of Barack's problem's in one fell
scoop. This is because his base is already every bit as committed to him as a heroin-addled prostitute to her pimp, no matter what he does between now and the election. Where else could they go, after all?!! But imagine how many swingers ("swing voters") Obama could pick up (pimp up?) between now and then if he merely took a walk on the wild side and moved to the middle?!! Here's what they said about
the original Scooper:
The expression "Scoop Jackson Democrat" is a term fallen out of use because as few liberals now understand that while Americans can afford to differ on domestic policy and the economy, we must present a united front against foes of liberty. Though once his sort of politician was commonplace in an era when both major parties were "big tents," nowadays it is inconceivable that a Democrat who shared Jackson's worldview could survive a primary. This principle was conclusively proven when Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman lost the Democratic nomination for the Senate the last time he ran for re-election in 2006 because of his support for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Lieberman, who is retiring from the Senate this year largely because another independent run would be unlikely to succeed, is aptly termed the last such "Scoop Jackson Democrat."
B. Barack's Coming Out as a Supply-Sider, aka Reagan-Lite©
Barack Obama has mentioned many times he wanted to be a Reagan-like change agent in his impact upon USA, correct? Well, now here is his chance!! In this scenario, Obama is doing his daily Das Kapital memorization exercises, when suddenly he throws down this failed tome, leaps up & shouts, "Mr. Romney, Tear Down That Wall!"
He then begins to feverishly retrace Ronnie's roots. Appropriately, ending up not in Hollywood but at the
Eureka College Economics Department. And before you know it, he is channeling the Gipper, and attempting to fathom Hayek's
Road To Serfdom (which he initially believes is a lost Beach Boy's concert tape) (
video). Here are some
Ronald Wilson Reagan quotes that Barack teleprompts during his speeches to teachers unions and Planned Parenthood rallies:
"Throughout the world the failure of socialism is evident."
"Government is not the solution to our problems. Government IS the problem!"
"Fascism's private ownership, private enterprise, but total government control and regulation. Well, isn't this the liberal philosophy?"
"I have always believed that there was some divine plan that placed this great continent between two oceans to be sought out by those who were possessed of an abiding love of freedom and a special kind of courage."
"How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin."
"Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them."
"Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours."
"Regardless of their sincerity, their humanitarian motives, those who would sacrifice freedom for security have embarked on this downward path."
In this hypothetical, Senate majority leader Harry "Hairball" Reid overhears this and is driven to ingest bath salts and then attempts to chew off Nancy Pelosi's oil-based face. Nancy, to her credit, is so out of what is left of her mind--on pills, that she doesn't even notice, swatting at Harry like a pesky horsefly.
C. Barack's Coming Out as a Nerdy Half-White Guy!
Revenge of the Liberal Nerds, anyone? Barack suddenly stressing his techy White roots could only have a beneficent impact upon his campaign. Gone would be the crazed claims of his crypto-Muslim roots, or anti-American upbringing. In its place is a geeky, gum-popping, pocket-protector bulging nerd who can't wait to show off his polyester vests and laminated wall maps. This is an Obama who demands to be just All-American Barry, and whose aw-shucks demeanor will be seen as authentic as George Washington's wooden choppers. And the mothers of America will love and vote for him.
D. Barack's Coming Out as a Committed War Hawk: Bomb Iran!
Despite getting his meager beginnings as an Illinois state senator who dared stand up to George Bush, (who actually had no idea he existed at the time) by opposing the war with Iraq, Barack has come full circle. By dipping his toes into the warm waters of the Muslim Spring, and supporting rebel war efforts, he got a tangy taste of blood-lust.
In this new incarnation, Obama would fulfill his warlike tendencies by launching a blitzkrieg against Tehran with a nasty cloud of cruise missiles into President Ahmadinejad's palace. Talk about knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door! Let's celebrate this idea with the song "
Bomb Iran" by Vince Vance & The Valiants
. Feel free to
sing along:
Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, Iran.
Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, BOMB IRAN!
Let's take a stand, bomb Iran.
Our country's got a feelin'
Really hit the ceilin', bomb Iran.
Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.
Went to a mosque, gonna throw some rocks.
Tell the Ayatollah..."Gonna put you in a box!"
Bomb Iran. Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.
Our country's got a feelin'
Really hit the ceilin', bomb Iran.
Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran. etc
E. Barack's Coming Out as a Muslim Comedian
Imagine Barack Obama prancing around on stage in a bright pink turban while juggling plastic grenades, then pretending to eat a pulled pork sandwich! LOL! Even more side-splitting: Obama runs after another comedian dressed in a multicolored, oversized burka, attempting to pound her with a giant rubber chicken. ROFL! Or, he reads
Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion onstage in Yiddish. Spectacular irony! If Barack made such a transition, it could easily take the edge off all the controversy caused by his bowing to the king of Saudi Arabia, or reciting the morning prayer in perfect Arabic on American tv. This type of comedic relief could only help his chances at the November ballot box.
F. Barack's Coming Out as, Finally...Effeminate Avenger: Barack, Gay Blade!
What kind of a cross-dresser or queer would Barack Obama make? With his exactitude of word usage and mack-daddy style, probably a pretty danged good one. But if Barack gave a *
Special* White House, Fireside
State of My Gender speech about a week before the election, how could he possibly lose? First, the farthest lefties would fall back in love with him, permanently. Second, the rest of the Democrats would get swept up in the mainstream media euphoria over the FIRST GAY PRESIDENT! Finally, even swingers and log cabin republicans would get caught up in the hoopla.
Imagine Obama, teary eyed from the euphoria, surrounded at the White House Coming Out Fest by a bevy of the starry firmament of gay stars and politicos.
Nothing would run a thrill up the legs of most journalists faster than if Barack came out of the closet, and--better yet--immediately announced an intent to marry his "longtime boyfriend. "This role could be played by Rahm "Beau" Emmanuel, David "Angry Hairdresser" Axelgrease, or even Rev. Jeremiah "Hallelujah Apocalypse" Wright.
Best Advice: Combine all of the above tactics and get ready for beatification and Mt Rushmore in the same week, Barack!
