Obama: “The Women’s vote is in the bag—I am too sexy to lose”

-- Satire Buoyed by his appearance on The View, where he was once again fawned over by the female hosts, President Obama invited his old friend Hugh Betcha—winner of the 2012 Sexiest Reporter Alive award by the Rachael Maddow Show to discuss the War on Women. As they sat in their usual overstuffed chairs in the Oval Office, the President sneaked another Marlboro as he sat back and heaved a sigh of relief. “Michelle is out running errands so this is tobacco time,” the President grinned. “Want one?”

“No,” replied the reporter. “Romney is going to lose the women’s vote,” the President stated confidently. “He is uncool, uptight, white and old. Unlike me,” the President smirked. “I am young, cool, black, sing like Al Green and women dig me.” “Those things seem so shallow,” Hugh responded, “are women so vacuous that they simply consider you a sex object and vote accordingly?” “No, there is more to it than that,” replied the President.

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“Such as….” “Such as birth control. Every woman wants it. They all want it; they all dig it, and I have arranged for every woman who wants abortion services and abortifacients to get them. I am even forcing health insurers and employers to provide it as a part of their insurance plans. What more could women want than that? Pretty cool, huh—they claim the right to privacy in their sex lives but the public has to pay for their private sex lives. They love me for that.” “Is that it—just birth control and the fact you are hip?” “Well…as I said on The View ‘I am just here as eye candy.’” The President winked. “Most women think of me as eye candy—and, I might add, what is not to like? Republicans fear me and chicks dig me—what can I say?” “Are you a narcissist?” “Of course not—just telling the truth. By the way have you ever seen that shot of me getting out of the water? Sexy, huh? I have a poster of that in my bedroom. I can autograph one for you if you like.” “Hey thanks so much Mr. President, but no. Don’t you think that women care more about the economy, their families, their inability to find work; their unemployed husbands, or their kids sitting in the basement staring at your 2008 posters and wondering when the Hope and Change thing is going to work for them?” “Oh, maybe…but when it comes right down to it—they see me sprinting up the steps before my campaign speeches and pumping my fist, they see my smile, and they see my cute tush and, well, somehow all of that stress and worry disappears and they remember what is important.” “Which is?” “Re-electing me.” Copyright © 2012 William Kevin Stoos