Bill Cosby once said, “There’s hope for the future because God has a sense of humor, and we are funny to God.” If so, the Lord’s laughter must have shook the heavens when an elementary student, instructed by his teacher to write a composition, related his version of the Old Testament. Here’s what he wrote:
In the beginning, the universe contained only darkness, gas, and God. Bored by being in the dark all the time, the Lord commanded, “Let there be light!” and someone flipped on the switch. Then He made Earth, and threw stars in every direction. After that, He created animals and fish, including smelly sardines.
Then he split Adam and made Eve. They walked around buck naked in the Garden of Eden, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented.
The devil figured out a way to get them into a whole lot of trouble with their Dad, who warned them to stay away from the Tree of Knowledge because He didn’t want them to learn what they weren’t supposed to learn. But like the girls I know, Eve always wanted what she couldn’t have, so she let a snake, hired by the devil, talk her into eating one of the smart tree’s apples. God was so mad that He had them driven from the Garden. I’m not sure how, since there were no cars back then.
From then on, instead of being able to play all the time, they had to work for a living. And, even worse, their kids didn’t get along. One of them, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel, and even killed him.
The number of people grew, and most of them were evil like Cain. Finally, God got fed up with His kids, and decided to start all over, so He told Noah to build a boat and put his family in it, along with a girl and a boy of each type of animal. I can’t imagine how they got along, but they did. Being a good man, Noah asked a bunch of other people to come on board, but they decided to take a rain check.
Another great guy in the Old Testament was Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. He led his people out of Egypt after the evil Pharaoh couldn’t take any more plagues, which included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
Moses gave his people the Ten Commandments, which God wrote on a rock with His finger. Mostly these commandments were like what Mom and Dad always tell me: Don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t smoke, and don’t covet your neighbor’s stuff. Another one I remember is, humor thy father and mother.
After walking for forty years through a wilderness, the people arrived at the Promised Land, which was flowing with milk and honey. It must have been mighty sticky! As far as I know, that’s where they are to this day … and that’s the Old Testament in a nutshell.
Jimmy Reed is an Oxford, Mississippi resident, Ole Miss and Delta State University alumnus, Vietnam Era Army Veteran, former Mississippi Delta cotton farmer and ginner, author, and retired college teacher.
This story is a selection from Jimmy Reed’s latest book, entitled The Jaybird Tales.
Copies, including personalized autographs, can be reserved by notifying the author via email (.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)).
