If like me you are a student of contemporary culture, then I'm sure that you understand rap music and what separates the good from the bad. Having watched a number of rappers rise and ultimately fall (literally) over the past decade, I think I am beginning to understand what rap music is all about.
Rap music reflects urban life in all its gritty glory, even though rap isn't really music in the sense that we non-urbans understand it, as there is seldom any melody to speak of, albeit there is a great beat.
a good piece of rap music needs to have several key elements in order to qualify. First of all, good rap is angry, no, it's pissed off, because invariably someone dissed the rapper. as such, good rap contains elements of violence, best carried out with guns, although knives are an acceptable substitute. Good rap has to have bad cops or "pigs" in order to further the theme and rappers must talk about how they plan to kill the "pigs" next time they show up. There is an entire genre of rap that is exclusively about killing "pigs".
all rap music has "bitches" and "ho's". The former, I think, are the wives of the rappers, while the latter are the wives of their rivals or other rappers. Sometimes they can be both at the same time as in "I bitchslapped my ho."
Most rap music has a strong element of Oedipal disassociative disorder, as rappers tend to sing a lot about motherf-----s. It must be a very common disorder among rappers, as nearly all of them call themselves and each other by that name.
Successful rappers have an entourage of bodyguards, chauffeurs, bitches, ho's and hangers-on. In order to accommodate their entourage, successful rappers need several SUVs in order to go clubbing around town. No rapper can consider himself truly successful until there's been at least one attempt on his life that left him with a gunshot wound. Many rappers have attained their fame having been killed by a rival rapper in a dispute over a "bitch" or "ho". Some even have died at the hands of the "pigs".
Great names make great rappers. The rule of thumb for successful rappers is that they be named after an obscure revolutionary movement, have names that consist only of initials, small amounts of change, a parental figure or common pets. Hence good names for rappers could be "M4M" (named a after the May 4th Movement) or "B.M.N." or "Seventy-three cents" or "Poppa Smoke" or even "Snort Hamster". Sometimes these names can be combined with other names or with physical attributes, as in "Little Mister M.a.N." or in "Fo'teen Doctor Snuff".
Great rappers also have to be mindful of their attire, as wearing the wrong thing can result in decreased record sales. a safe bet for rapper attire is bling. It's recommended that a gold-plated manhole cover on a gold-plated motorcycle chain be worn around the neck while every finger should have at least one gold ring encrusted with several large stones. Diamond ear studs are de rigueur with a minimum of 4 carats per stud. also gold teeth are really cool, particularly if they have added diamonds. accepted timepieces include Rolex, Patek-Philipe and Breitling. Timex or Bulova are definitely out.
The best attire for a successful rapper is either a silk or satin warm-up suit with a hoodie or a single-breasted raw silk suit (jacket must have a minimum of six buttons) with silk shirt and Italian silk tie worn in a Windsor knot. It is important in all cases that whatever pants are worn, the gusset must fall at least ten inches below the knees. Mandatory footwear includes $500.00 athletic shoes worn with no socks.
a rapper's ride is important to his image. as such no self-respecting rapper would be caught dead in a Ford Focus or Chevy Lumina (unless the placement came about as a particularly disrespectful assassination). The car of choice among rappers is a Denali, H-2 or Lexus SUV. Black or white appear to be the most popular colors.
While performing live or on a music video, successful rappers need to be mindful of their hand movements. If the beat of the music is particularly strong, then hand movement from the belt to just above the head is allowed, so long as the hand is held wide open and the fingers contort to emulate certain gang signs. another acceptable piece of handwork is to keep one's hand between one's legs with a firm grip on one's privates.
So, anyone interested in a successful career as a rap music icon could achieve that status, provided he follow most of the advice detailed above. Of course, it helps to be african-american, albeit that is not among the strictest requirements. That's another great thing about this country; anyone can grow up to be president or a great rap star. You just have to follow the rules.
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