Obama Recovering From Serious Back Injuries

-Satire Just back from his “World Groveling Tour” President Obama invited Stoos Views’ Chief White House Correspondent, Hugh Betcha, to his room at Bethesda Naval Hospital where Obama is recovering from self inflicted back injuries received while apologizing for the United States in Europe, the Middle East, and Turkey. “I guess I overdid it with the Cat O’ Nine Tails last week,” the President admitted, “but I thought that a little medieval self flagellation would impress the Europeans and show them that we are truly sorry for all of our past sins. But, boy does that thing hurt,” he said, pointing to the painful lash wounds on his back which were being treated by the President’s doctors. The President, referring to the wounds received during one rather embarrassing moment when he took off his shirt and beat his back repeatedly with this bizarre torture device in a symbolic mea culpa for everything the United States has done the past two centuries, grimaced in pain as he closed his hospital gown. “While that was very painful,” he exclaimed, “I think the Europeans were impressed. I am sure they will like us now.”

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When asked about the back brace that he wore under his hospital gown, Obama noted: “Oh that--that was from my deep bow to His Glorious Majesty and Guardian of the Holy Places, my God on Earth, the King of Saudi Arabia. Despite the fact that I play basketball, and thought I was in great shape, that bow was so obsequious and so low that I seem to have crushed two lumbar disks in my low back. I could almost kiss the floor. But, I do not have time for surgery right now, as I have yet another groveling tour coming up this week and must prepare for that. Thank God or Allah--whoever--there are no more Arab kings to suck up to this week.” When asked why the President of the country who fought a war of independence precisely because it refused to bow to a king would grovel in front of the ruler of the world’s biggest financier and sponsor of world jihad, Obama shrugged: “Hey,  it is important that the Arabs love us. By sucking up to His Majesty, they will take it as a sign of peace and friendship and love us even more. I would have knelt down and kissed his feet too, but the staff forgot to pack my knee pads.” Asked by Stoos Views why a country that has sent more of its youth to fight and die for freedom in foreign lands than any nation in history; who saved a Europe that would still be speaking German were it not for its blood and treasure;  a country that, for decades, protected all of Europe from the threat of Soviet domination, a country that donates over 25% of the United Nations’ budget and provides more than 25% of its humanitarian aid;  a country that is the first on the scene with hospital ships, food, and humanitarian aid whenever there is an earthquake, cyclone, or tsunami in a foreign land, and a country that is doing more than any country in the world to fight the scourge of international terrorism, has to apologize to Europe for anything, Obama replied: “Well, above all, I want everyone to like us.  Being liked is far preferable to being respected and feared. I intend to spend the next four years showing the world the softer side of America.” In closing, the President was asked what he had in mind for his upcoming Caribbean tour. Obama indicated that he plans to meet with Caribbean leaders in order to apologize for anything and everything we may or may not have done wrong in our own hemisphere, apologize for our success and wealth, offer each Caribbean leader free backrubs and mojitos, and hand out Happy Face stickers to all.